De Ja Vu is TRUE, at least at Lucent Delirium...wa?

So Amanda Boggs takes me to this party in downtown LA one night. Probably one of the best parties I'd been to in a really, really long time. All night I kept saying, "I've been here before." I thought that maybe its because my office was right down the street on Spring, but even when we went inside I kept saying, "I KNOW I've been here before." For the rest of the night, it kept having super intense feelings of de ja vu, why was I here before?

Anyways, the rest of the night was SO INTENSE. Just partying like a fool and having the ability to thoroughly enjoy myself without really giving a shit about anyone or anything and just LOVING the rush of everybody's energy. The night was so AWESOME.

When I arrived at work the next day, it was obvious to everyone that I had an amazing night. I couldn't move my head because I gave myself whiplash again from all the head rolls I do when I dance. My energy was spent and I didn't have enough sleep to recooperate. My body was sore, but thank God I was able to take a shower because I would have smelled like sweaty shit. I loved telling Stephanie my story. I knew that she, and only she would understand the beauty of dancing in a raised cage with my partner being a freakin national gymnast...and hot. It was like we were having X-game extreme sex sports, but with our clothes on and laughing the whole time!

So a month passed, I gained my energy back, and received an email from Amanda. It had a whole bunch of links to articles, photos and videos of the party. One of the articles read, "The former site of (the artist fromerly known as Prince)'s Glam Slam, now the site of Lucent Deliriums latest..." THAT'S WHY I WAS HAVING DE JA VU!!! I used to perform at the Move to Groove Ball at Glam Slam!!! I used to perform on the stage and hang out with Shelley Pang, my agent at the time. She would be like our den mother for the evening and watch all of our stuff as we performed and galavanted around the club like maniacs and meeting other boys and girls to dance with...just like I did more than a decade later.

Gees, I don't know what to think of that. I still party like fool, and I still love it. I wonder, am I supposed to grow up now? Does growing up have to mean I can't party? Is growing up going to be fun? I don't know why I'm still having this hard transition of moving on...or away from the entertainment industry. Does it really have to end for me? Should I continue to keep working at it? I don't even know why its a problem. Sometimes I think its a problem because not many people have lived lives like mine. I'm so God damn proud of my life!

I love life every day. I'm so thankful for the things I have and the things I've learned. I know there is more still to come. I sometimes have the ill feeling that I should get married and have babies...and I should have started that years ago. But then there are so many reasons why I didn't do that. Most of it was because I didn't feel like my partner at the time was capable of it. He so dispised children. I don't have a need to have one for myself, but if I did have one, I would love it. I just don't have the NEED to have one. Is this what this comes down to? Kids?

I love my freedom right now. I love that I can have fun with no boundries. I can dance all night long and act any which way I want to. I just love it. I can have the thoughts I what to think with no guilt and I don't have to tell anyone where I'm going and no one expects me to come home, other than my dog. No one tells me what to do, or when to do it, or how I have to do it. No one tells me that I have to do dishes and no one is expecting any favors from me. I am so ALONE and I LOVE IT.

I love that I can go grocery shopping for myself and not have to remember to by half and half or stuff that I don't eat. I love that I can just drive across the country and the people that I arrived to where genuinely HAPPY to see me. I love that I don't have to hang out with people that I don't want to and I love that I don't have live in a place that I had to compromise.

I AM ALONE AND I LOVE IT.