Quality sucks, but its Venus Fly Troupe baby! My lastest aerial thing...

Just searching the internet and found this. I have no idea who posted it. I sweat when I watch it.

De Ja Vu is TRUE, at least at Lucent Delirium...wa?

So Amanda Boggs takes me to this party in downtown LA one night. Probably one of the best parties I'd been to in a really, really long time. All night I kept saying, "I've been here before." I thought that maybe its because my office was right down the street on Spring, but even when we went inside I kept saying, "I KNOW I've been here before." For the rest of the night, it kept having super intense feelings of de ja vu, why was I here before?

Anyways, the rest of the night was SO INTENSE. Just partying like a fool and having the ability to thoroughly enjoy myself without really giving a shit about anyone or anything and just LOVING the rush of everybody's energy. The night was so AWESOME.

When I arrived at work the next day, it was obvious to everyone that I had an amazing night. I couldn't move my head because I gave myself whiplash again from all the head rolls I do when I dance. My energy was spent and I didn't have enough sleep to recooperate. My body was sore, but thank God I was able to take a shower because I would have smelled like sweaty shit. I loved telling Stephanie my story. I knew that she, and only she would understand the beauty of dancing in a raised cage with my partner being a freakin national gymnast...and hot. It was like we were having X-game extreme sex sports, but with our clothes on and laughing the whole time!

So a month passed, I gained my energy back, and received an email from Amanda. It had a whole bunch of links to articles, photos and videos of the party. One of the articles read, "The former site of (the artist fromerly known as Prince)'s Glam Slam, now the site of Lucent Deliriums latest..." THAT'S WHY I WAS HAVING DE JA VU!!! I used to perform at the Move to Groove Ball at Glam Slam!!! I used to perform on the stage and hang out with Shelley Pang, my agent at the time. She would be like our den mother for the evening and watch all of our stuff as we performed and galavanted around the club like maniacs and meeting other boys and girls to dance with...just like I did more than a decade later.

Gees, I don't know what to think of that. I still party like fool, and I still love it. I wonder, am I supposed to grow up now? Does growing up have to mean I can't party? Is growing up going to be fun? I don't know why I'm still having this hard transition of moving on...or away from the entertainment industry. Does it really have to end for me? Should I continue to keep working at it? I don't even know why its a problem. Sometimes I think its a problem because not many people have lived lives like mine. I'm so God damn proud of my life!

I love life every day. I'm so thankful for the things I have and the things I've learned. I know there is more still to come. I sometimes have the ill feeling that I should get married and have babies...and I should have started that years ago. But then there are so many reasons why I didn't do that. Most of it was because I didn't feel like my partner at the time was capable of it. He so dispised children. I don't have a need to have one for myself, but if I did have one, I would love it. I just don't have the NEED to have one. Is this what this comes down to? Kids?

I love my freedom right now. I love that I can have fun with no boundries. I can dance all night long and act any which way I want to. I just love it. I can have the thoughts I what to think with no guilt and I don't have to tell anyone where I'm going and no one expects me to come home, other than my dog. No one tells me what to do, or when to do it, or how I have to do it. No one tells me that I have to do dishes and no one is expecting any favors from me. I am so ALONE and I LOVE IT.

I love that I can go grocery shopping for myself and not have to remember to by half and half or stuff that I don't eat. I love that I can just drive across the country and the people that I arrived to where genuinely HAPPY to see me. I love that I don't have to hang out with people that I don't want to and I love that I don't have live in a place that I had to compromise.

I AM ALONE AND I LOVE IT.

De La Guarda NYC Original NY cast

Shot by Michael Helms, casual look

My main print that went out for EVERYTHING. In an obscure way, you could say this portrait made my first million dollars :o)

Shot by Michael Helms, F.M. shot

When I HAD to use this picture, I was always a wee bit shy.

Me and Santa

Shot backstage at the Fox Theater in Detroit, MI. I was the end girl in the Radio City Music Hall Rockette line-up in the Radio City Christmas Spectacular. I love knowing my signature is on the back stage walls in theaters across the country as one of the performing artists that performed there, especially when its in my home town.

Calendar shots, not really me

After signing with LA Models, this was my first assignment, the East Meets West Calendar. It was distributed in Europe and Asia. I never saw the final print, but I heard the top shot made Miss June. I didn't get to do a whole lot of print work for this agency, its sort of tough when you're short and Claudia Schiffer is in the office like everyday! I actually pee'd my pants when I found out she was with the agency when I was signed, what the f*ck was I there for? She was so major and so beautiful, I'm still stunned that my pictures got to sit on the same shelves as hers.

True Love

I was feeling bad about telling dad that I was going to leave during the middle of January 2007. I told him I'd stay on a few conditions:

a.) He has to stop yelling at me, he said OK.

b.) He has to stop yelling at mom, he said, "No, I have to yell at your mom sometimes."

TRUE LOVE! What could I possibly say to that? Its honest and true. I hugged my dad a little tighter with a little more laughter and we continued to walk on the sand.

The Best Meal Ever!

A glass of South African Red Wine, tall thin glass, slow moving legs, pungent floral scent, fruity and woodsy taste, excellent temperature

Filet Mignon carpaccio well oiled and lightly vinegared with capers, lettuce, cherry onions and hard cheese

A variety of bread, both flat and risen, white, rye and wheat with a seasoned hummus

Salmon, braised at a high temperture to lock in flavor, warmed on grill.
Chunky mashed potatoes on the side with garlic and rosemary herbs, no salt needed

Yellow fin tuna, grilled with pinkish center
Fluffy fried sweet potato on the side

Steamed asparagus with butter and garlic herbs

A chopped salad with light vinegrette, nuts and tomatoes

A ripened papaya, sliced by my dad, grown by him from the garden down stairs. The tree is about 25 feet high. We captured it the day before with the bamboo papaya picker. Seeing the half slice waiting for me with a large spoon on the table was the most memorable part of the meal.

Great food. Authentic dessert. Loving company...'nuff said.

Stuff I learned recently

Coincidence may be chance, and it can also be profound. When it is profound, it may take wisdom to realize the true implications. Recently, I’ve found coincidence to be a beautiful act of something larger than anything I presently know. It sort of screamed at my face, and I can be deaf sometimes. The discovery alone could not be measured in decibels.

Sarcasm should be a sin. Its ugly and rude, bearing a sardoned truth. Interpretations are open with no real solidarity. To a weak soul, sarcastic remarks and conversations can be painful.

Wisdom hasn’t hit me until recently, and I’ve still got a long way to go. I wouldn’t have figured it out if it wasn’t for love, nor would I have figured it out if it wasn’t for experience.

I sometimes wonder, "How stubborn am I?" Its one of the reasons why I no longer want to live alone or be alone. I need to start reacting with other people and learn how to better position myself in this life.


*Although posted today, these thoughts first because apparhent on Dec. 3, 2006 while attending a service at Oasis in Los Angeles, CA.